The film’s secret weapon proves to be Freddy Krueger-fingernailed witch Marique — imagine a cross between Madeline Kahn in History of the World: Part I and Lady Gaga — that should garner Rose McGowan a Razzie and an Oscar.

It is right that a new Conan film must look for its own identity, but one immediately notices that in the absence of Milius's saga-paced direction... and Schwarzenegger's special-effect physique, very little has been introduced to replace them.

But Nispel and his trio of screenwriters do nothing with their simplistic premise, crowding the screen with too much digital imagery and making every villainous character look like they just stepped out of some macabre Saturday morning cartoon.

[The film] plays to the lowest possible viewer demands.