Heart Parade feels like an over-long made-for-TV movie, more suitable for the sensibility of tweens and their small dogs than for grownups.

Cobbles together the bromidic fodder of hundreds of rom-coms before it – there’s no doubt whatsoever about the outcome of this DOA plot – with a premise that aims for wacky but comes off noodle-brained, jokes landing like wet spaghetti on the linoleum.

By the time you reach the third act, there’s an abundance of boredom that comes with it.

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